Fairy Tales Should Be Illegal

How outrageous! You gasp in horror, as you’ve just read the title of this post. I think not. And here’s why.

As a little girl, you long to hear the stories of the beautiful girl who is running down the marble staircase at midnight and loses her shoe. Or the story of the princess who lies on a mattress and tosses and turns due to her discomfiture by a pea, buried amidst a stack of mattresses. Or even the one of the young girl who kisses a frog which turns into a handsome prince.

Well, let me just tell you something. Fairy-tales suck.

They are the most unrealistic, unoriginal, misleading bunch of poop anybody has ever written, not to mention they never warn you that extreme attachment to them (Disney in my case) will get you into difficult situations faster than Snow White ate the apple she wasn’t supposed to.

It’s kind of sad, to be honest, that I’m so into Disney, and I’m cool with that. I completely understand. But at the same time, I thought that I would be able to separate reality from fiction and distinguish where the two begin to merge. The truth is that I can’t. (I thought I could handle it!) But it’s difficult. And especially having it stuffed down your throat from a young age that the only thing a girl needs to do is ‘find her prince’, and beginning planning your wedding from the ripe old age of 15 years, it’s difficult to think realistically. (I don’t think this is a problem, but it has certainly rung some alarm bells for people, and understandably so).

Quite frankly, I’m sick and tired of the perfect fairy tales, where the girl ALWAYS get the guy, and even if he is pre-engaged or has a royally-approved (usually by his parents) fiancée or partner, the girl – no matter how poor, unlucky or misfortuned – is always… ALWAYS the end wife. I’m now going to try and make some fairy tales realistic. *evil smile*

WARNING: Spoiler alert for all those of you who are idealists. Do not read on.

1. The Little Mermaid

ariel_by_dashingdesign-d5zn0gs

Now, let’s be real okay? First of all, there is NO way you would track someone down by their voice, especially their singing one. The amount of girls who can sing and sing really well at that is actually on the rise. No way would he have recognised someone as his ‘true love’ instantly, the moment that she opened her mouth to hum a tune with like, four notes. Five maximum. No. Just, no. Also, okay, humans are so greedy! The moment Eric realised that she was a mermaid he would be exploiting her for all she was worth; she would be on exhibition, he’d be touring her around the entire of whatever country which they lived in. He wouldn’t marry her; he’d SELL HER to some museum or something! She’d be experimented on, she’d be picked apart, probably killed in the process. No, Eric. Go home.

FINAL VERDICT: Ariel would end up stuffed in a glass cabinet as a forms of entertainment.


2. Rapunzel

rapunzel_by_dashingdesign-d5zn0wx

It would be SUPER cool for a girl to have grown enough hair for a man to climb up, and – scientifically – hair is pretty damn strong, so it probably IS possible. What is NOT, however, is the fortunate stumbling upon of the remote tower by an – assumedly attractive – prince. Let me just say, princes do NOT stumble upon you in your tower. Most girls have to go out and actively find their prince. If it was realistic for princes to come and find you, no girl would ever leave her house. So, get your facts right Rapunzel, you may be incredibly beautiful and alluring, but you are LOCKED UP IN A TOWER. Nobody would know that you exist.

For those of you who are more familiar with the Disney version, Tangled, let me just clarify:

Girls who are that naive and innocent would never survive with the likes of guys like Flynn Rider. In fact, Flynn Rider (although an incredibly hot rogue) would complete SMASH Rapunzel’s heart into tiny, chewable-sized pieces. Why do movies and books promote the message that good girls can make bad guys good? (Bit of a mouthful!) Really. They do sometimes maybe, but most of the time, the girl ends up damaged, hurt and – more than likely – less pure than she was before she went into the pursuit of this guy.

FINAL VERDICT: Rapunzel would be a heart-broken wreck who would have trust-issues for the rest of her life.


3. Beauty and The Beast
belle_by_dashingdesign-d5zn0bx

Well, uhm… the title is pretty self-explanatory. First issue: his appearance.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying all girls are shallow and only judge based on appearance, but let’s be realistic. There is no way any girl would even have remote sympathy for a guy as ugly as he was. (And I’m not even talking about the beast; he was better looking as that animal than he was as a human being!) Not to mention his horrible personality and completely RUDE attitude would make her entirely uninterested.

She would not have stuck around. The moment she saw he had anger issues, if she had any sense, she would have been out of there before that last stinking petal fell. She also would NOT have gone into the West Wing. Because if a large, raging beast tells you NOT to go somewhere, you DON’T go there. Second issue: the fact that he was pretty controlling and selfish. I mean, who keeps a lovely teenage girl locked up in a room with talking furniture as company? He was totally psycho.

FINAL VERDICT: Belle runs away from the abusive home and never actually develops any sympathy for the beast.


So. Yes, I am in a bad mood. And yes, I am upset about how unrealistic fairy tales are and how fairy tales never happen in real life (because it would be GREAT if they did) but – as I’ve said about a million times – let’s be real here. (That is LBRH for all of you who are textlexic…)

Fairy tales should be banished.

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2 thoughts on “Fairy Tales Should Be Illegal

  1. Pingback: 21 Things That Should Be Illegal | A Work In Progress

  2. Pingback: Oops! I Forgot to Post… | Oops! I Forgot to Think

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