1. Who even watches that still? (In regards to Disney). Me. That’s who, ME.
2. Who even watches that? (In regards to Downton Abbey). You don’t have to be a pensioner to like Period Dramas.
3. DC Comics are WAY better than MARVEL. Are they? Are they really?
4. You read way too much. At least I can.
5. Can you put that book down and talk to me please? No, I cannot.
Also, 5a) *snatches book out of my hand* Are you asking for me to slap you?
6. Ew, babies are gross. No, YOU are gross.
7. Who would even want babies? I would. Also, many women for whom IVF was helpfully invented.
8. So, you’re like, a Jew right? Attending a CHURCH on Saturday does not make me a Jew. I am a Christian.
9. You’re such a loser. (Said in a serious tone). Thank you SO MUCH for informing me! I was unaware!
10. (Talking to someone else) So Astellia is her made-up country… Nuh uh, it’s super duper real.
11. You’re so clever, how do you do it! Uhh, I read. A lot. And my mum taught me stuff as well. I attend school…?
12. Can I join Astellia? Well, if you have to ask then… no. It is kind of an exclusive society/country.
13. Books are boring. So are you, you disgusting human being.
14. Have you written like, an ACTUAL book? Have you read, like, an ACTUAL book?
15. Oh my goodness, do you remember that guy who you used to… Please. I don’t need you to remind me.
16. Your butt is HUGE. Thank you. Not like I’m already self-conscious enough about it, but please. Remind me.
17. Can I copy your homework? Can you be original and do it yourself?
18. *Anything race related* I will start a verbal fight, and I promise that you won’t like it.
19. You’re very pretty for a black girl. See above.
20. You should wear contacts instead of glasses. You should stop giving me advice about my life and my eyes.
21. Marriage is so over-rated. So is your ability to filter your opinions.
22. If you go to a girl’s school, are you a lesbian? If you talk so much rubbish, are you a bin?
23. Ugh, poetry is so uninteresting. Who would even write that drivel? Well, obviously not you, you clearly don’t have that level of intellect.
24. What would you do if you don’t get into Cambridge? What would you do if you didn’t feel the need to try and destroy other people’s dreams?
25. You’re not an actual Queen… Really? Tell that to my crown, my country and my national anthem.
26. Haha, I got more than you on this test! Great for you, I was unaware that our test results are only for competitive purposes, and that you only feel adequate if you compare your test results with mine.
27. You’re a black girl who is a VEGETARIAN?! You’re a person who is allowed to voice their ignorant opinions?!
28. So basically, so many Disney movies would be physically impossible because [inserts scientific evidence and facts here]… Well, I’m glad that they’re not reality then. Otherwise science might spoil them like you’re spoiling them for me.
29. Why do you hang out with those people? They’re not even that [cool/funny/talkative etc.] Well, firstly, shut the up your face. Secondly, because I genuinely trust them all and know they’re not going behind my back. Thirdly, because it’s a free country, so I can choose my own friends THANKS.
30. When are you going to stop being Queen? When is the earth going to stop orbiting the sun?
31. Planning your wedding is really pointless if you don’t know who you’re going to marry… Don’t I? Don’t I know?
32. OMD, did you write that? No, the words just materialised on my page right in front of the both of us.
33. Ew, look at her dress; she has absolutely not style. Ew, look at your personality. You have absolutely no respect for self-expression.
34. Can I be a bridesmaid? If I wanted you to be one, I would have asked you.
35. Come here. I’m not a dog, don’t give me orders like that.
36. Can I have some of that? (In regards to food). If I wanted to give some to you, I would have offered.
37. I’m going to photocopy your notes, thanks! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
38. Rianna, chill. It’s just a game. No. It is NEVER just a game.
39. Calm down. If I’m already TRYING to calm down, do you think that telling me to calm down is going to help very much?
40. You should just tell him! You should stop trying to tell me what I should do!
41. What do you mean you don’t swear at your parents! Uhm… exactly that…
42. Can I put your glasses on? Sure, go ahead, it’s not like I’m wearing them for a reason or anything.
Also, 42a) *takes my glasses off and holds up fingers* How many fingers am I holding up?
43. Is all you do work? Is all you do say the first thing which comes to your mind?
44. Can you do my homework? I’ll pay you! Can you ask sensible questions?
45. (When I have taken control of a group) Why are you so bossy? You always want to be the leader of everything. Alright then, so I’ll just sit back in silence and allow the entire group to descend into chaos because nobody knows what they’re doing. I mean, let’s not forget that if I was a boy, you’d be applauding me and telling me that I was a natural leader and confident, not bossy and self-confident.
46. (During a lesson) Rianna, help me with this. Sure, OK, don’t worry about me or my work. It’s not like I also have work to complete or anything.
47. (To another person) Ask Rianna, she knows everything. No, I assure you I don’t. If I did then I would be a child prodigy. Alas, I am not. So no, ask the teacher or somebody more knowledgeable than me.
48. Wow! Your hair looks so cool when it’s out, can I touch it? Is it that deep that you have to touch it? Can you not keep your hands to yourself?
Also, 48a) *Doesn’t ask, just touches my hair* Do I look like a petting zoo? Stop.
49. Awwr, you look like a 12 year old. Thank you, thanks for reminding me. In case I have ever been allowed to forget.
50. (After I have explained my feelings towards alcohol – which is none) I REALLY want to get you drunk. Thank you for respecting my personal opinions and feeling it necessary to enforce alcohol on me or attempt to spike a drink in order to entertain your own sick mind. Thank you.
So, now you know what not to say or ask me if in the future I ever see you. Take care (Garnier),
p.s. Yes, Part 3 of Irony is being posted tonight. Sit tight.