Brain Dump

I’m super sorry I haven’t posted part 3 yet (it looks set to be posted tomorrow) because honestly, I’ve just lacked the motivation. In fact, I’m pretty much lacking the motivation to do ANYTHING.

I’m mostly posting this to reassure anyone who cares that I’m still alive. Right now, I’m sitting in my casual pyjama attire (i.e. tracksuit bottoms and old t-shirt) with my laptop in my lap. I’m also feeling quite content, because I just ate a very nice Sundae.

Yes mum, I will be going to the gym soon. No mum, it wasn’t immensely fattening, and yes mum, I will do some exercise.

There’s some program on TV about medicine or something, which I’m half-listening to while I blog, but my mind is all over the place. I thought that I was past my writer’s block, but have you ever had that moment when your brain just shuts down; not because you CAN’T do it, but because someone else can do it better?

So, I was in the car today and my mind went crazy and I started thinking about writing. I know that I want to do something more stable as a career, but if I could, I’d absolutely LOVE to be a housewife and just stay at home and blog and write stuff and raise kids. And yeah, it seems soo far away, but there’s so many teenagers around my age who are AMAZING at writing and just the idea of them intimidates me.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m not a BAD writer but I’m not the best, and when I see people who are so privileged and have so many more opportunities, it kind of puts me off. Today I kind of thought, should I stop writing? Should I try something else instead? When I heard about the 15-year-old girl who got a book published I really wanted to scream, “That should have been me!” And no, I haven’t exactly written a next best-seller, but I really REALLY want to. But seeing girls like this, who seem to be so much more experienced and better writers kind of puts me off.

Obviously yes, I shouldn’t be put off because ‘everyone has different writing styles’ and blah di blah, but for a lot of things that I do, not just writing, I feel like I have to be the best. I’m not talking about the best in an egotistical, ‘I must be better than everyone else’ way, but more in a ‘If somebody is better then I suddenly feel inadequate’ manner. I’m not sure how to put it without making it sound like I want everyone else to be bad at it, but I just mostly want to be very good at it myself. If someone else is also very good, it kind of makes me feel threatened.

People like the girl who got published are kind of… I don’t know, it feel likes they’re just in a whole other writing league to me. Part of me wishes that I had the words of Shakespeare (yep, he’s definitely my writing hero) and could just throw words around like Peeta threw around those sacks of flour. (No, I’m not a huge Hunger Games fan, but Josh Hutcherson is pretty cute…) That part of me is the bit that wants Rianna to keep writing, to write more and bigger and better. To write a novel, to co-author several, to get them all published and become an established author before I’m even out of Uni.

But the other part of me wishes that I never even started writing, because I guess it reduces the chance of being rejected or finding out that I’m not as good of a writer as I thought I was.

Don’t for a second think that this is me having a dip in my self-esteem, because I’m not saying that my writing is TERRIBLE, nor am I saying that I CAN’T write; what I AM saying is that my writing style is still so undeveloped, so immature and basic, and, I guess, there are so many more girls my age, in the same situation as me, who have such advanced and developed writing styles and techniques.

Whilst I sit here and blog out my mind.

I will never stop writing. I can tell you that now, no matter what happens, I will never be able to stop writing. I need to write as much as fishes need water. Well, except a few fish which can survive outside of it… but you get the point I’m making. If I ever stop writing then I don’t know what I will do as a means of creative outlet, or even communicating my mind and thoughts through something unique to myself.

But I don’t know if my writing will ever see the light of day. Like I’ve said about a million times, I’d love to have a book published. I’d love to have some of my poetry published, hell, I’d just love for people to read my blog; but it’s just beginning to seem more and more unlikely. Honestly, some of the stuff that these people are coming up with as ideas, like WOW. They’re amazing. I guess my problem is that I kind of refuse to write a lot of stuff which seems to be quite popular – I refuse to read Dark Fantasy, Horror, Fantasy or any theme focusing around Magic, hence I refuse to write them either. And those seem to be the main ones which people are into now. I don’t really like writing romance, but that seems to be what a lot of my work subconsciously leans towards, and I’m not even that good at crafting them either.

I’m not trying to sound down or depressed, but I’m just trying to think a bit more realistically. Will it be the end of the world if my writing never goes anywhere? No. Will I still have something to fall back on? Yes. Will I look like a loser with lots of documents in a ‘Creative Writing’ folder on my computer desktop? Probably.

I don’t know. I really don’t. I genuinely hope that my writing style will improve and I’ll write better, more excitingly, with more passion, be able to craft and spin stories better; but there’s a part of me that knows I may never have the opportunity to be discovered, that maybe nothing will happen with my skills or my work…

When I started this post, I was going with ‘light-hearted’ and funny, not ‘depressing’ and self-deprecating. Oops.

Oh well. It’s a Thursday evening. (Because of course, stating the date justifies the bum mood! *thumbs up*)

Queen Rianna



3 thoughts on “Brain Dump

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