An Effective and Concise Summary of the Dates Hereof and Thereof The Affairs Undertaken and the Ventures Thereupon

The title of this post was as long and unnecessary as all the exams which I sat.

Which I think effectively sums up my life really.

But, as I said (in my long and unnecessary title), I am going to try and summarise them all; completely disregarding the fact that I made a ‘diary’ about all my exams (which is now completed!)… So here it is: Rianna’s summary of every exam from May 11th to June 11th 2015.

RE Ethics – Who would disagree with this? (ANSWER: Catholics) Who would disagree with that? (ANSWER: Catholics) Who disagrees with everything? (ANSWER: Catholics) Who are the liberalists who agree with everything that the Catholics disagree with? (ANSWER: Everyone BUT the Catholics) Who disagrees with everything but then does that stuff anyway? (ANSWER: You guessed it… Catholics)

Biology – Completely disregard anything you have learnt in the past year and forget all about it. Now pick up your calculator and a ruler despite the fact that you have never had to use these instruments before in a Biology exam and measure the magnification of this diagram. No, no, don’t write anything to do with Biology down, that’d be silly really wouldn’t it? Especially considering this is a Maths exam… Wait, wait, what do you mean it’s NOT a maths exam?

Chemistry – Now, obviously, I understand why you would be slightly anxious in regards to what is going to appear on this paper, seeing as we did trick you yesterday. But don’t worry about it. As a means of apology, here is a six-mark question on Rates of Reaction. And OK… so you can use the stuff you learnt in the past year on this paper. We don’t mind, I mean, you may as well, seeing as you learnt it in preparation for this and stuff.

Spanish –  Let’s not even start, PLEASE.

English Literature (Novels) – Now, obviously, you know that ‘The Woman In Black’ is a horror story, right? OK, good. So what we want you to do, is tell us HOW? No, no seriously. No joke. Tell us how ‘The Woman In Black’ is scary. Actually wait… no that’s too easy. Give us TWO examples of stories in the book where it is scary. And THEN tell us why. Also, when you’ve done that, here is an extract from ‘To Kill A Mockingbird’ which contains the most essential quote in the novel, which the ENTIRE novel is practically built upon. And then COMPLETELY disregard that and tell me about how Scout feels about her dad. Great, now we’ve got that out of the way, tell us who the OTHER Mockingbird is OTHER than ‘Tom Robinson’ and DO NOT USE THE QUOTE IN THE EXTRACT which is a very, VERY ESSENTIAL QUOTE.

Drama – Give three examples of everything. You have an example? Great. Find two more. Got another one? Fabulous, one more to go. No more? Oh you ran out of time, because of the timing of the questions and the fact that never before have we asked for THREE examples? Oh dear. How sad.

Geography – Earthquakes. Disregard everything you’ve learnt about Volcanoes and case studies. Oh, don’t forget to vaguely touch upon Japan and Haiti. Oh, I know. Rather than asking you for a large case study, we’ll ask you about Chad and the Sahel. Tell us about Chad. Also, tell us about Coral reef. Also, don’t worry about CITES, and the RAMSAR Convention and all that other stuff; I mean, we know you’ve spent a couple of weeks learning about those but they’re REALLY not necessary.

Physics – OK, so we realised… maybe we were a bit harsh before. So this is our gift to you. We’ll give you lots of smaller marked questions so you are more likely to get higher marks. Here you go, here’s a bunch of easy ones. And for the 6 marker, you can… OOH, I know, you can describe the structure of an atom. I think this is probably recompense enough, considering it actually contains what it said it would contain. Except, don’t really worry about stars. They’re not that important, so we just missed that entire section of the syllabus out. We’ll do a lot on radioactivity and motion and forces… Not too many calculations though. A bit on electricity. I think that’s fair.

English Literature (Poetry) – So, I know you’ve been studying like… 10+ poems over the past 2 years, but we’re only going to ask you about 2. Make a choice: You can compare ‘Broken Relationships’ in “The Manhunt” with another (which is easily compared with ‘Quickdraw’ or ‘The Farmer’s Bride’) or ‘Trust’ in “Sister Maude” with… OK, the last one is kind of a trick question seeing as that was never a key theme in many other poems other than “Sister Maude” and… Well, we’re not sure, you figure it out. Well, we’re sorry about that. Here, as a means of apology, have an easier question. You were worried about the unseen poem? No need to be. In fact, we’ve chosen one in which the poet is incredibly whipped and only makes you feel even worse about your lack of relationships. But at least it’s not cryptic right? We’ll even put the answer in the question.

Geography – So, we know you are obviously quite suspicious of us seeing as you learnt all these case studies for the last topic, but you can use some of them now. Here. This is our apology to you.

Maths – Trigonometry. Cylinder. Grain. Volume. Surface Area. Compare the prices of coffee sachets; which one is the most cost effective? GRAIN. Sweets. Quadratic formula. Graphs. Label the region R. Transformation. Where can they locate the printer if it has to be close to CD than AB and less than 8m away from C, and 1m = 2cm on the scale.

Geography – HAHA! You’d thought you’d seen the last of us! But you haven’t. OK, so we know that obviously, in Decision-Making papers, we pack the booklets FULL of information, because you don’t really need a SPECIFIC own-knowledge based information set. But guess what. This time, we are going to make the booklets very vague and boring, and then we’re going to ask questions which have VERY LITTLE relevance with the booklets, just so that you have to use all the knowledge which you DON’T have. 🙂

RE Philosophy – Define words which you have never had to define before. We are also going to ask you questions using quotes which, hopefully, will tie in with your ethics unit, even though it has NOTHING to do with that – this is philosophy. No, but really. Tell us about the Doctrine of Double Effect, and Utilitarianism, and the principle of the ‘lesser of two evils’ even though that is all ETHICS. We don’t mind anyway.

So. That’s it. It’s all over. Now all we have to do is wait for our results now.

At any rate, I can’t. Love you all,

Queen Rianna

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