Cue Music

So I’ve been MIA for a while, but I’ve decided (somewhat magnanimously) to return to my child and show it some love and affection. Ergo, this blog post.

DISCLAIMER: Obviously all the names used in this aren’t people’s actual names, so please don’t be surprised; I’m just using ones that make sense to me, and maybe people who were there will be able to figure it out too, LOL.

Anyway, for the past weekend (last Friday to Monday) I spent an amazing, fun-filled, beach-filled, music-filled, laughter-filled four days at a caravan campsite in Cornwall. (What a tongue twister…) In fact, there was so much said fun that I lost my voice and am still now recovering. Although I blame W____ church for that – we were screaming ‘Wannabe’ by the Spice Girls in their caravan and me and Yin-Yang both lost our voices. Everyone else wasn’t so unfortunate.

I’m pretty sure we spent FAR too long in W___ church’s caravan, because nearly everyday from the second day, we went and chilled in theirs and listened to music and ate food and talked. I mean, minus the fact that I forgot to add them all on Snapchat and didn’t get to see any of the videos they’d posted of us all in the caravan, it was definitely fun.

10 out of 10, would recommend.

Also, I’m pretty sure myself and my sister were two of like four of the people there who weren’t Filipinos LMAO. But I met some wonderful, talented, hilarious people (I can’t fangirl too much otherwise I might get carried away) but the majority, unfortunately, live REALLY far away. And by far I mean like, it would take them 5 – 28 minutes – depending on arm stroke length – to swim from their houses to London. (Or perhaps a bit longer than that depending on how bad the traffic is).

I got the chance to sing with some pretty cool people this weekend too, both other singers and musicians, so that was definitely one of the highlights of the week. Spaceboy’s musical prowess completely blew me away, as did Caesar’s constant willingness to join in and sing with me, for which I cannot thank him enough. (#ReadyForAnything) And Moustache’s playing of that drum-box thing and his guitar, and The Enigma’s guitar playing was also awesome and they were all so much fun to jam with. And talk history with. And reenact the assassination of Julius Caesar with.

The caravans were alright. I mean, of course they weren’t five star, but we (specifically us, because nobody else’s seemed to worked) had a banging heater. Like a proper fire stove that was really toasty and that we turned on every morning and every evening. I was scared though during some worship we had that we’d left it on, so I ran back to our caravan in the rain… only to find that it had, in fact, been switched off by the more responsible adults in our caravan, Chilli and Sunflower. Which was great because not only was my trip useless but I was also wet. Yay.

But myself and Michy-Fichy got the largest room with the double bed and the heater (LOL, you snooze, you lose!) so we had a ball in that room really. I had a sleeping bag and she had the bed sheets, and it was – for the most part – comfortable. And when the heater went on, we were all toasty in there too. Once again though, I was terrified that we would wake up to choking fumes and something nearby the heater, which happened to be flammable, on fire, so I made sure I switched it off before either of us fell asleep.

Also, one lunch time we had some huge jam sesh, where someone would literally just start playing a song on the piano and then everyone would join in. It was truly so beautiful aha, *wipes away solitary tear rolling down cheek* we did Adele, Beyonce, One Direction (bleugh), Justin Bieber, John Legend, Taylor Swift (bleugh, once again), Ed Sheeran, it was just great. Slightly dissonant at times, but I have a feeling it had more to do with the fact that the song being sung was by One Direction or Taylor Swift rather than the people singing it being inharmonious.

We also went to Cornwall beach on the Sunday, which I’m sure would have been a lot nicer if it wasn’t cold. But I had a foolproof and simple plan to stay warm and happy: Stay. Out. Of. The. Sea.

Did I stick to the plan? No.

In fact, the first thing I did when I got to the beach was strip down to my swimming costume and run into the sea.

Did I stay warm and happy? No. You know why? Because I didn’t STICK TO THE PLAN.

To be fair, the water was really clear and there were very few rocks or seaweed, so I didn’t feel like my legs were being attacked by the marine manifestation of Ursula in her hybrid human-Cephalopod form. (A little Disney/scientific classification reference there for all you fans). I also managed to get sand EVERYWHERE (that’s genuinely the one thing I hate about the beach) BUT we made a sand-mermaid, which I have to say was perhaps one of my greatest artistic feats to this day.

So not entirely bad.

It was also lovely because me and Sparkle got to bond, and we went on a long, romantic stroll down the beach and she and I walked for ages and just talked and talked. I was a bit of a psychiatrist, is that what they’re called? Therapist, psychologist, counsellor? Whatever they are, I was that for about an hour and a half. But I really love listening to her and I’m so glad that God put us both into each other’s lives.

AND – this is one of the best parts – last week when I went to Hampton Court Palace (#HistorySquadDayOut) I had a bag of Bombay Mix, but I forgot that I hadn’t finished it. So when we were at the beach and my sister whipped out a bag of half-full Bombay Mix from her snacks bag, you simply can NOT understand how fast my heart began to beat. It was one of the most beautiful moments. So I say:

The only thing more beautiful than discovering food is when you FORGET that you have food and THEN discover it.

You can quote me.

What else to say? When we left on Monday afternoon I was really sad but at least I got to sing with Spaceboy and Caesar one last time, which was really the cherry on the vegan-cake for the last day.

The theme of the camp ‘The Armour of God’ was also really nice; it gave us lots of opportunities for different activities and I know I thought about quite a lot of things differently after all of that. It was nice seeing that the people running it – the main oragniser and all the speakers – were genuinely so invested in us youth. Like they really cared; not just about what they were saying, but about each one of us as individuals. At the end of the four days, I felt really encouraged spiritually, physically, emotionally and mentally. And musically.

I’ve probably written a lot of mostly incoherent nonsense, so I’ll sign off here with a few shoutouts:

Shoutout to anyone mentioned who’s reading this…

Shoutout to ‘Las Problematiques’ and Tarq – I miss you guys…

Shoutout to the toilet lid for being down…

Shoutout to NASA for having our backs since 6000BC and creating the ozone layer…

Shoutout to my mum, for having me, which made this blog post possible…

And shoutout to my sister for being a loser and belting songs from the ‘Les Miserables’ OST all. Morning.

Goodbye everyone and lots of love

From the Faerie Squad Mother x

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Slightly Flawed…

Disney is amazing. Of course it is. There can be no argument that any (Classic) Disney movie is unworthy. Cinderella, Hercules, Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin, Mulan and Toy Story, to name a few, are some of the many LEGENDARY movies which Disney (usually with Pixar… because Disney is NOTHING without Pixar) have released.

And the majority of them (as in, in reference to the Classics, because the modern ones are kinda poopy…) hit the mark.

Except for one slight problem…

Disney literally romanticises everything. EVERYTHING. (They also make a VERY big mistake in one of my favourite movies but… I’ll just sip my tea about that one for now; I’ll get to that in a moment).

And of course, you guessed it, I’m going to have a great big rant now.

1. Cinderella

As portrayed in this movie, Cinderella has always been known as the sweet, lovable girl who tolerates bitter and cynical relatives only to later be rewarded for her struggles with the kind Prince.

THIS IS NOT THE ACTUAL STORY OF CINDERELLA.

In fact, if you have read the Brother’s Grimm version, you will know that this is SO far away from the original version, it may as well have just been called something else entirely. Such as “NOT Cinderella”. Now of course, I don’t want to ruin it for any young readers or impressionable ones who look up to Cinderella, because she is pretty cool.

But if you look up to the DISNEY version of her… then stick to the Disney version of her. Because in the original version:

a) the Prince is a bit of a weirdo…

b) Cinderella is actually the opposite of helpless

c) the Stepmother has a very nasty end… and so do the two stepsisters, NOTHING like the sequel that Disney released!

I don’t want to tell the whole story. If you want to know it, then I’ve included two links in this paragraph, so you can read those. All I’ll say is, GOOD LUCK READING! ūüôā

2. The Hunchback of Notre Dame (or as Babs and I call it, ‘The Norchback’)

Similarly to the point made before, the Disney version is a stark contrast to the Original version. For all of you who DIDN’T know, ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’ was penned by the same author of ‘Les Miserables’, the one and only Victor Hugo. (Seriously, ‘Les Mis’ is better as a book than as a musical or movie!) In the Disney movie, and I’m pretty sure I’ve ranted about this before, the villain Claude Frollo is an absolute PSYCHO! Nobody knows (and we aren’t given any clues) as to how he ended up like this. He doesn’t have a backstory which justifies his actions, unlike most other Disney villains. He’s just pure evil.

In the book, he is also evil. However, he has a reason for doing this. He started off as a decent guy who was trying to scrape money together for his younger brother, who is an alcoholic, and basically, in the attempt to reform him to a better life, ends up becoming infatuated (and later, obsessed) with Esmeralda.

In the book, pretty much everyone is messed up. As much as Esmeralda is some cool, kick-ass woman in the movie, in the book she is naive and impressionable. She also gets tortured.

Phoebus’s interest in Esmeralda in the book, is purely sexual. He tries to seduce her after she falls for him when he rescues her from being abducted (See? Worse already!) and in the end, he doesn’t even end up being married to her. He gets married to some other RANDOM (who wasn’t even involved in the movie) and he isn’t happy.

In the book, I’m pretty sure nobody is as happy in the end as they are in the movie.

Except maybe Quasimodo.

3. Hercules

THIS. This is the one that gets me the most because I love Greek Mythology so much, and this is one of my favourites. But not only has this been romanticised, there are also HUGE inconsistencies.

First of all, it’s been romanticised because Hercules was not born a god. He was the by-product of one of Zeus’s many relationships. It was his birth, actually, which caused the problem; Hera, Zeus’s wife, was super duper jealous and angry at Zeus… but because Zeus was a god, she couldn’t take it out on him; she took it out on Hercules. HERA WAS NOT HERCULES’ MOTHER.

Hercules DID marry Megara in the Greek myth. She had a son and a daughter for him. But then Hera (the wrath of the Greek gods REALLY had no bounds!) drove him mad and made him kill ALL THREE OF THEM in a fit of rage.

And THAT is why he had to complete the 12 Tasks. As a means of recompense for these murders. (He remarried twice after his marriage to Megara though…)

And now for the biggest problem of all, the problem which has bugged me for AGES…

HIS NAME IS INCORRECT.

Really. I’m such a nerd, but seriously. If you are into Greek or Roman Mythology (or maybe you’re not but you still know…) then you will know that the Romans stole everything from the Greeks. Including their gods. So every Greek god has a Roman counterpart. (i.e. Zeus for the Greeks, Jupiter for the Romans… Aphrodite for the Greeks, Venus for the Romans… and so on).

All the names from the movie, all the gods and goddesses have their GREEK names. Zeus, Hera, Hades, Philoctetes, Pegasus, the Muses… all of them. They’re all Greek.

Now, just like the gods, the Greek heroes (Oedipus, Jason, Perseus) also have Roman counterparts.

Take HERACLES for example. (Please note the spelling there.) H-E-R-A-C-L-E-S.

Because HERACLES is the Greek version. HERCULES is his Roman counterpart.

SO WHY, can someone please tell me, WHY Disney would use a GREEK CAST and then make the PROTAGONIST the Roman counterpart?

WHERE IS THE LOGIC? (Right now I am a very wounded nerd!)

4. Pocahontas

For me, the Disney version of Pocahontas is the ULTIMATE example of their inability to NOT romanticise EVERY story they decide to make. This is one of the rare occasions where the protagonist genuinely did exist in real life. (If you did not know this then… Do you live under a rock?)

Pocahontas was a real person. John Smith (though perhaps the ‘life-saving’ story has been disputed by many historians) existed. Even John Rolfe (UGH! *Gags*) existed.

Except for a teency detail Disney missed out: POCAHONTAS DID NOT HAVE TWO LOVE INTERESTS.

John Smith was NOT, (I repeat, NOT) her love interest.

Because in real life, she met him when she was 13… and he was 30. NOTHING in historical records even suggests the fact that they could have been lovers. She was too young to be in a relationship and he was FAR too old for her.

The one thing that perhaps isn’t untrue about her tale, and that is the view that the English people had of her and her tribe: that they were all savages. When John Rolfe wrote to the governor to tell of his love for her, he stated in his letter that he basically wanted to do it for the good of ‘saving her soul’.

When she moved to England with him, she had a child for him and was presented at social events throughout the country in a sickening display of pride – how ‘savages’ could be ‘converted’ and changed.

That shattered my dreams. Seriously. John Smith and Pocahontas were my OTP, but now… Now, I feel disgusted to have even shipped them together. *cries*

That’s all from me. I think I’ve been bitter and cynical enough for one evening. LOL. Goodnight all. Sweet dreams. ūüôā

Queen Rianna

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The Big Debate (SPOILER ALERT)

I did warn you that I was going to be posting a lot… But I feel like this will be my last one for today; I have a few other things to do.

But this is a VERY important post. No, it is not Irony Pt. 3, (sorry Lawly) but I will have that up by the end of this week! In fact, this is a debate which shook the foundations of a few of my friendships and even made me reevaluate some. (Yes, it was that deep). The topic we were debating was quite sensitive, seeing as both options were both plausible, but in the face of this debate, one was the clearly ultimate superior to the other… but never mind that. The question we were asking was:

Who is better: Mulan or Pocahontas?

Hua Mulan, aka. Fa Mulan

‘Matoaka’ Amonute, aka Pocahontas (later Rebecca Rolfe)

Now, before I start, I’d just like to say; if you a) don’t know who those girls are or b) haven’t watched either one of their featured movies, then please IMMEDIATELY close this tab and watch them ASAP, because you don’t know what you’re missing out on. And OK. I know it sounds ridiculous, because they’re both super cool Disney gals (who, may I just add, are two of about four Disney gals to have their names be the title of the movie) and also, what normal teenager debates these sort of things?

NEWSFLASH: I’m not normal. (I am a teenager though, unfortunately).

So anyway. Back to the debate. Of course, I felt it entirely necessary to share this with you, because it really made me think. Myself and my friend had a 40-minute debate about this at like ten¬†at night, and STILL couldn’t come to any agreement. I have to be fair and present BOTH arguments equally (even though I fully KNOW which one I think is better, though I won’t disclose just yet; but sure, you are free to guess if you think I make it obvious) before I sum the arguments up. But here goes. (My practice as a lawyer, really, things like this are essential for my mind! And also just fun in general, because the debate got so heated, at one point my aunt told me to be quieter because I was screaming down the phone)…

FOR: Pocahontas, AGAINST: Mulan

Pocahontas is the¬†super cool, independent and fierce daughter of the chief of the tribe. (Technically, she is a princess). In the beginning of the movie, she has a dream about a spinning arrow and when she talks to her Grandmother Willow, they decide that this is going to be her fate; a spinning arrow. Pocahontas is one of the ONLY princesses in all of Disney history to actively choose her own fate – her father wants her to marry a tribe warrior called Kocoum, but she sings a really sick song (called ‘Just Around The Riverbend’) about how she wants to go her own way (NOT like Gabriella from HSM; as in go her own way ‘independently’). Now, as much as this may sound rebellious or whatever, Pocahontas is not one for blindly following the standards of other people. She wants to make her own decisions, do her own thing, make her own choices. Many of the other Disney princesses are often only pursuing what they have been taught, beit by their family or their inspired dreams. Pocahontas doesn’t have much for her in the tribe. Yes, she might be the chieftain’s daughter, but she wants to be MORE than the chieftain’s daughter. She wants to be known for herself.

Mulan, on the other hand, is known for her family, and everything she does is because she wants to please her family, make her family happy. Nothing that Mulan does is for herself. In fact, in the movie’s very first song, ‘Bring Honour To Us All’ she is LITERALLY trying to be a ‘good’ daughter to please her family. And then when THAT doesn’t work, she sings ‘Reflection’, about how she is trying (and failing) to reach up to the standards HER FAMILY has set.

Pocahontas biggest achievement is preventing war between the ‘copper-skinned savages’ and the ‘white-skinned devils’ (no hate please, I’m using phrases from the ACTUAL movie) i.e. the Native Americans and the British. When her love interest (John Smith, OOH, he is BAE) is captured by her father and the warriors, she visits him DESPITE the fact that he could be punished. When it is time for him to be executed (AHA SPOILER) she literally FLINGS herself in between the executioner and John Smith (tied to a pole, but still… it was a very moving scene). She put her own life at risk, not just because of the love of this guy, but also because of the love she had for her own tribe; she knew that if John Smith was killed, the British would attack her tribe, and they’d probably all be killed too. She realised this before anyone else did.

Mulan fights a war. Obviously yes, winning a war is a great achievement, but she doesn’t actively seek to prevent it like Pocahontas did. YES, she may not have been able to prevent it, but her ‘method of prevention’ is firing a cannon into a mountain to avalanche the entire hun army. (AHA SPOILER) Effective, YES. Friendly and life-preserving, NO.

POINTS TO ADD

  1. Mulan has a bunch of friends around when she is going through her struggles. Even after she reveals herself as a female (AHA SPOILER) they still return to her side when the huns return (AHA SPOILER) and help her. Pocahontas, for the entirety of the movie, is alone. Other than Grandmother Willow who gives her advice, she has nobody to physically be with her and help her. She is a lone wolf.
  2. Pocahontas is (admittedly) prettier than Mulan.
  3. In the sequel, Pocahontas 2, she travels to England to act as an ambassador for her tribe. She has to journey to a far away land and then assimilate the culture, as she is viewed nationally as a ‘savage’. She is willing to sacrifice her culture for her tribe and herself for the sake of her tribe.
  4. Overall, the songs in Pocahontas are better and more catchier than the songs in Mulan. ‘Colours of the Wind’ and ‘Savages’ were some of THE sickest (like the GOOD sick) songs in Disney history. Mulan’s songs are good, but some don’t hit the mark.

FOR: Mulan, AGAINST: Pocahontas

Mulan is the lovable, sweet and self-sacrificing daughter of a war veteran. (She’s not actually a princess, but who cares?) In the beginning of the movie, she hears of her father being summoned to war and, knowing that he is injured and will probably die in this battle, decides to cut off her hair (no small feat for any girl, let me tell you), bind her breasts (once again, no small feat) and ride off to war with her father’s stolen armour, an assumed name and a hapless dragon guardian.¬†Mulan is the ONLY Disney gal to act in such a selfless manner; she rides off to war knowing that she could die, but preferring that she die rather than her father. She thinks she has dishonoured her family (to an extent) but even in her obedient nature, she realises that she cannot allow her father to go and die. Mulan stands nothing to gain from going to war. If she is caught, she will be executed. If she is NOT caught, then she would have saved her father from going and may return home safely, if she is not killed in battle. Pocahontas stands to gain from stopping the war. She gets to have her man, so to speak, and she also gains the respect of every man in the camp. Pocahontas lives in a society where women were highly respected. Women may have been housewives, but they certainly were not traditional housewives; they weren’t penitent or subservient. They were still empowered. Mulan lives in a society where women are nothing. Their only role is to get married and have children.

Mulan has to fight against biological conditioning. She is a petite, slight Chinese woman amongst men who have probably been training all their lives for moments like this. She has to push her body to the absolute LIMIT and beyond so that she will become conditioned for war. She has no idea how to fight. She has few moments to learn and yet eventually becomes a very skilled soldier (all whilst a) keeping the pretence of her gender and b) singing a kick-ass song ‘I’ll Make A Man Out Of You’)

Pretty much single-handedly, with quick thinking, Mulan defeats the majority of the hun army. When the Chinese army is greatly outnumbered, she is able to put her own life at risk (once again) for the safety of her friends/army and fires a cannon to create an avalanche. Without this quick decision, there is NO way that their army would have survived. Although it may not be life-preserving for the huns, it is life-preserving for China, and as a result, even the Emperor acknowledges her (AHA SPOILER) as the saviour of China, DESPITE her gender. Mulan manages to break the typical gender role of a woman in her society throughout the movie, and by the end, has everyone realising that maybe women aren’t useless.

Pocahontas, on the other hand, doesn’t really break role. Her saving of John Smith is the emotional manipulation of her father. She full and well KNOWS that no fellow tribesman will lay a hand on the chieftain’s daughter, and so will not execute John Smith as a result of her being in front of him. In the beginning of the movie, she plays the ‘I don’t need a man’ role, and then suddenly, BADDA BING BADDA BANG, John Smith turns up and – after much hanging out – her philosophy suddenly changes. Mulan is trying to become a bride and when that doesn’t work she feels ashamed. Even when she realises that she has feelings for General Shang (WHOO, another BAE to be honest, because that man bun got me like…) she puts them behind her in order to focus on the task at hand – being a soldier. She refuses to jeopardise herself or her family simply for the feelings she has for this – super fit – guy.

POINTS TO ADD

  1. Pocahontas has TWO love interests… someone say GREEDY.
  2. The sequel of Mulan was PARTIALLY soul-destroying, what with the fact that she thought General Shang was dead, and was fully ready to marry someone else. (AHA SPOILER) The sequel of Pocahontas was SOUL-DESTROYING, with the fact that she thought John Smith was dead and then SMOOTHLY navigated to a new man. Darn you, John Rolfe.
  3. Mulan is never willing to deny herself or her feelings (when she is allowed to be a woman warrior, she does.) Even when Shang disagrees with her personal philosophy that ‘her duty is to her heart’ she doesn’t care. In fact, they even fall out over that.¬†Pocahontas is willing to give up her culture for a new man. Just because John Rolfe asks her to be some ‘civilised’ British woman, she does. She dons some disgusting dress and EW.

So that’s it. The argument. I had to summarise a lot but the overall gist is that Pocahontas is independent but emotionally-driven and Mulan is kick-ass but emotionally-driven.

And I did this test, Which Disney Princess Are You?¬†Which you should do, because BUZZFEED. (I won’t tell you who I got, but I got one of these two gals. ūüôā ) But make sure that you ONLY do this quiz and don’t click on ANOTHER quiz, such as THIS ONE¬†(but of course do that one, it’s Which Disney Prince Is Your True Love?) Anyway.

To be fair, I’m not going to tell you which one I favour, because that’d be biased. However, I CAN tell you that anyone who does not see the clear winner in this situation is an absolute WEIRDO… and quite frankly, doesn’t deserve to watch Disney.

That’s all from me, Queen Rianna

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What Time Is It? Summertime

It’s our vacation.

What time is it? Party time.

That’s right. Say it loud.

What time is it? The time of our lives.

Anticipation.

What time is it? Summertime.

SCHOOL’S OUT! SCREAM AND SHOUT!

(HSM2, What Time Is It?)

As a very wise girl once said, “The words of Disney shall never cease to be relevant in everyday life.” (That was me by the way, in case that was unclear).

I am. SO. PUMPED. After we finished our last exam (RE Philosophy, for anyone who cares) me and the lads went out pilfering for a cheeky Nando’s (sit tight, I’m going to do a post about that one!) and – as expected – it was SUPER cheesy.

I feel like Rapunzel, when she climbed out the tower (SPOILER aha) and then she put her feet down on the grass and was running around like it was the first time she had ever experienced freedom in her life. Wait… it was. Well…

That’s a bit awkward. Oh dear. Swiftly moving on.

I have SO many plans for this summer, which is great, because more than likely I’m going to end up doing practically nothing and going nowhere because I have nowhere to go and no-one to go with. Which doesn’t matter because I am so cool with just sitting at home all by myself and doing nothing. LOL. NOT.

I’m working on it, okay? I’m working on the summer plans, so let’s not hate. But I guess I’m kinda scared too (WOW, practically just like Rapunzel) because it is going to go SOOOO fast and then before I know it…

BOOM. Old grandmother with a lovely family surrounding her as she slowly, peacefully dies in a nursing home.

WAIT. That was a tad too far ahead. But I think you get the point. Time just runs so fast and before I know it, I’ll be off to University. (Two years, shock, gasp!)

University?! I know right. It sounds ridiculous, that someone as fabulous and obviously grammatically superior to everyone else would be subjected to 3 years (minimum) of forced integration with the peasants and commoners of this world. I mean, who do people think I am? Some sort of non-prodigious teenager who is actually incapable of paying the university fees as they get higher and higher?

Of course not.

I mean, when I publish that book (working on it, working on it) I’ll make enough money to buy the entirety of… Waterstones? No wait, isn’t that like, supporting the competition or something? OK, never mind, never mind that.

Maybe I’ll go and work as… oh wait. I’m not 16. I’m not 16 until the END of summer. I can’t work. Great. This is fabulous. My life is great actually.

But I don’t really want to think about al that right now. At any rate, I get to go and see that fabulous V&A Shoe Exhibition with my friends and hopefully this will be a BANGING summer.

Peace out,

Queen Rianna

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p.s. Please be ready for the barrage of posts which will be… posted nearly every single day. And probably more than one a day as well!

When The Disney Movie Should Be Rated ’15’ but it’s Rated ‘U’… (SPOILER ALERT)

((I know I said I wasn’t going to post until the 12th June, but this is a super important post and I need to raise awareness of these issues… Also, I’ve been nominated for some Blogger Award thing, so I’ll probably post that as well this week!))

So the other day, right, I had taken a break from revision and I was really feeling to ingest some Disney. So I think, hmm, rather than watching the ones I watch ALL the time, maybe I should watch an old one.

Then it came to me. ‘The Hunchback of Notre Dame’. YES! I haven’t seen it for so long that I’ve practically forgotten all about the characters and plot, etc. So I did. I watched it.

I was horrified.

Don’t get me wrong; the movie is absolutely AMAZING. Phoebus is just bae, Esmeralda is #WomanCrushErryday, and the songs and scenes are really well-crafted.

But I was horrified.

Not that it was a scary movie, but (SPOILER aha) within the first 10 minutes of the movie, somebody is dead. And I’m not talking about “Big Hero 6” dead (SPOILER aha) like the sort of dead where you don’t really see, but I’m talking about sprawled upside down with a broken neck on the stairs to the Cathedral.

That was the first straw. The second one was that when Claude Frollo (the villain) was holding and finally saw the baby (later known as Quasimodo), he was disgusted, and on his horse, rode over to the well by the Cathedral, stating aloud when the priest asked him what he was doing, “Sending this monster back to the depths of hell where he belongs.” Like MAMMA MIA, calm it Frollo, he just has a deformation; you don’t have to treat him like an alien.

But obviously, Frollo didn’t get the memo, and decided to name the baby “Quasimodo”, which means, “half-formed”. Wow. OK. Did it need to get that deep though?

The THIRD straw was when (some years later after he was forced by the priest to keep the child, NOT kill it – what sort of monster would DROWN a baby anyway?!) he was teaching Quasimodo the alphabet. Usually, when you teach children the alphabet, you go “A is for Apple, B is for Bike, C is for Cat…” and so on. But obviously, SOMEBODY didn’t get the memo (once again). Claude Frollo’s version of the alphabet went – and I kid you not – like this:

A is for Abomination. B is for Blasphemy. C is for Contrition. D is for Damnation. E is for Eternal Damnation. F is for Forgiveness. 

They didn’t get any further than that because of some altercation (Quasimodo accidentally said ‘Festival’ for F…) but really, that was enough.

But not enough for Disney. Because they take it a STEP further and turn Frollo into some randy old man who just wants to have sex with this gypsy that he is obsessed with.

Really.

Like, from when he first came into power, all he wanted to do was kill all the gypsies in France. (This is also an issue????) But then suddenly there is this feisty gypsy girl who keeps seeming to defy him and escape all his attempts to capture her. And what does he do?

Sing a song (which is, I can’t lie, a GREAT song if you didn’t entirely understand the meaning behind it) to the ‘Saints’ about how this dark-haired gypsy is tormenting him. Oh, the name of the song? Hellfire. The song is called Hellfire.

Here. Take a look at some of the lyrics: (I’ve just cut bits together)

You know I’m so much purer than
The common, vulgar, weak, licentious crowd
Then tell me, Maria
Why I see her dancing there
Why her smold’ring eyes still scorch my soul (AT WHICH POINT IN THE SONG, A DANCING ESMERALDA EMERGES FROM THE FLAMES… !)
I feel her, I see her
The sun caught in raven hair
Is blazing in me out of all control (OK, this is DEFINITELY not appropriate for little kids to be listening to)
Like fire
Hellfire
This fire in my skin
This burning
Desire
Is turning me to sin (THE SONG IS ABOUT HIS LUST)
It’s not my fault
It is the gypsy girl
The witch who sent this flame
He made the devil so much
Stronger than a man
Protect me, Maria
Don’t let this siren cast her spell
Don’t let her fire sear my flesh and bone
Destroy Esmeralda
And let her taste the fires of hell
Or else let her be mine and mine alone
Hellfire
Dark fire
Now gypsy, it’s your turn
Choose me or
Your pyre
Be mine or you will burn

THE SONG. IS ABOUT. HIS LUST. He wants to kill all the gypsies but now there’s this one who is (admittedly) attractive and so he’s basically offering her a choice, “You’re a witch and you’re gonna burn… Unless you sleep with me.”

EW. NO. Please stop. (The music doesn’t help either, it’s so dark, and there’s these chanting men in the background chanting in Latin and it’s just… *shudders* so, SO wrong!)

This is completely NOT appropriate for little kids. Here, if you are brave enough to watch the scene from the movie. Seriously, if you can watch this and not be entirely shocked that this movie is rated a U then quite frankly, do not have children. I repeat: DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN.

Not just that, but the movie is so dark. Frollo is one of the most messed up Disney villains I have EVER encountered in my entire life.

OK, so I have never really liked the Disney villains but – I can’t lie – some are quite cool. Gaston’s arrogance was funny – before it turned him into a blood-thirsty murderer – Ursula’s attempt at stealing someone else’s life was slightly amusing, especially considering the fact that she just wanted to get out of the sea really and have a life with someone… and even Cruella de Vil had style.

But no. Frollo has no style, he’s not funny, he’s the most GENUINELY cruel villain I have EVER watched in Disney. Even Captain Hook for chicken’s sake! Captain Hook who is very bitter at Peter Pan cutting off his hand, even Hook is a bit of a softie.

I am not sure who was possessed to craft a character like Frollo and then actually give him LINES like the ones they did. Seriously. Whoever created Claude Frollo, I seriously worry about their state of mind.

Similarly, whoever decided “Oh yeah, UNIVERSAL would be a PERFECTLY acceptable rating to put on a movie of this sort…”

LEAVE. Seriously. GET OUT.

That’s all from me, that’s my lovely rant for today. LOL.

Queen Rianna

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50 Things You Should Never Say To Me or Ask Me

1. Who even watches that still? (In regards to Disney). Me. That’s who, ME.

2. Who even watches that? (In regards to Downton Abbey). You don’t have to be a pensioner to like Period Dramas.

3. DC Comics are WAY better than MARVEL. Are they? Are they really?

4. You read way too much. At least I can.

5. Can you put that book down and talk to me please? No, I cannot.

                Also, 5a) *snatches book out of my hand* Are you asking for me to slap you?

6. Ew, babies are gross. No, YOU are gross.

7. Who would even want babies? I would. Also, many women for whom IVF was helpfully invented.

8. So, you’re like, a Jew right? Attending a CHURCH on Saturday does not make me a Jew. I am a Christian.

9. You’re such a loser. (Said in a serious tone). Thank you SO MUCH for informing me! I was unaware!

10. (Talking to someone else) So Astellia is her made-up country… Nuh uh, it’s super duper real.

11. You’re so clever, how do you do it! Uhh, I read. A lot. And my mum taught me stuff as well. I attend school…?

12. Can I join Astellia? Well, if you have to ask then… no. It is kind of an exclusive society/country.

13. Books are boring. So are you, you disgusting human being.

14. Have you written like, an ACTUAL book? Have you read, like, an ACTUAL book?

15. Oh my goodness, do you remember that guy who you used to… Please. I don’t need you to remind me.

16. Your butt is HUGE. Thank you. Not like I’m already self-conscious enough about it, but please. Remind me.

17. Can I copy your homework? Can you be original and do it yourself?

18. *Anything race related* I will start a verbal fight, and I promise that you won’t like it.

19. You’re very pretty for a black girl. See above.

20. You should wear contacts instead of glasses. You should stop giving me advice about my life and my eyes.

21. Marriage is so over-rated. So is your ability to filter your opinions.

22. If you go to a girl’s school, are you a lesbian? If you talk so much rubbish, are you a bin?

23. Ugh, poetry is so uninteresting. Who would even write that drivel? Well, obviously not you, you clearly don’t have that level of intellect.

24. What would you do if you don’t get into Cambridge? What would you do if you didn’t feel the need to try and destroy other people’s dreams?

25. You’re not an actual Queen… Really? Tell that to my crown, my country and my national anthem.

26. Haha, I got more than you on this test! Great for you, I was unaware that our test results are only for competitive purposes, and that you only feel adequate if you compare your test results with mine.

27. You’re a black girl who is a VEGETARIAN?! You’re a person who is allowed to voice their ignorant opinions?!

28. So basically, so many Disney movies would be physically impossible because [inserts scientific evidence and facts here]… Well, I’m glad that they’re not reality then. Otherwise science might spoil them like you’re spoiling them for me.

29. Why do you hang out with those people? They’re not even that [cool/funny/talkative etc.] Well, firstly, shut the up your face. Secondly, because I genuinely trust them all and know they’re not going behind my back. Thirdly, because it’s a free country, so I can choose my own friends THANKS.

30. When are you going to stop being Queen? When is the earth going to stop orbiting the sun?

31. Planning your wedding is really pointless if you don’t know who you’re going to marry… Don’t I? Don’t I know?

32. OMD, did you write that? No, the words just materialised on my page right in front of the both of us.

33. Ew, look at her dress; she has absolutely not style. Ew, look at your personality. You have absolutely no respect for self-expression.

34. Can I be a bridesmaid? If I wanted you to be one, I would have asked you.

35. Come here. I’m not a dog, don’t give me orders like that.

36. Can I have some of that? (In regards to food). If I wanted to give some to you, I would have offered.

37. I’m going to photocopy your notes, thanks! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

38. Rianna, chill. It’s just a game. No. It is NEVER just a game.

39. Calm down. If I’m already TRYING to calm down, do you think that telling me to calm down is going to help very much?

40. You should just tell him! You should stop trying to tell me what I should do!

41. What do you mean you don’t swear at your parents! Uhm… exactly that…

42. Can I put your glasses on? Sure, go ahead, it’s not like I’m wearing them for a reason or anything.

                Also, 42a) *takes my glasses off and holds up fingers* How many fingers am I holding up?

43. Is all you do work? Is all you do say the first thing which comes to your mind?

44. Can you do my homework? I’ll pay you! Can you ask sensible questions?

45. (When I have taken control of a group) Why are you so bossy? You always want to be the leader of everything. Alright then, so I’ll just sit back in silence and allow the entire group to descend into chaos because nobody knows what they’re doing. I mean, let’s not forget that if I was a boy, you’d be applauding me and telling me that I was a natural leader and confident, not bossy and self-confident.

46. (During a lesson) Rianna, help me with this. Sure, OK, don’t worry about me or my work. It’s not like I also have work to complete or anything.

47. (To another person) Ask Rianna, she knows everything. No, I assure you I don’t. If I did then I would be a child prodigy. Alas, I am not. So no, ask the teacher or somebody more knowledgeable than me.

48. Wow! Your hair looks so cool when it’s out, can I touch it? Is it that deep that you have to touch it? Can you not keep your hands to yourself?

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† Also, 48a) *Doesn’t ask, just touches my hair* Do I look like a petting zoo? Stop.

49. Awwr, you look like a 12 year old. Thank you, thanks for reminding me. In case I have ever been allowed to forget.

50. (After I have explained my feelings towards alcohol – which is none) I REALLY want to get you drunk. Thank you for respecting my personal opinions and feeling it necessary to enforce alcohol on me or attempt to spike a drink in order to entertain your own sick mind. Thank you.

So, now you know what not to say or ask me if in the future I ever see you. Take care (Garnier),

Queen Rianna

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p.s. Yes, Part 3 of Irony is being posted tonight. Sit tight.

I Won’t Say I’m In Love!

There is nothing more relaxing at the end of a long stressful day than coming home and singing along to Disney tunes on the piano. Piano is great, Disney music is greater and, perhaps some liberal sprinkling of Les Miserables (the book is better than the musical, JUST SAYING)¬†and ‘bibbity-bobbity-boop’. I don’t know how it happens but listening to your favourite music is one of the best ways to release all those pent up emotions inside of you. Belting out your favourite tunes also seems to help.

Try it. Really. If you haven’t then you need to. Other than the fact that I rant about Disney all the time, about their unrealistic standards and distorted presentations of love and marriage, the OSTs are just.

Just. (If you don’t know what OST stands for, then it is ‘Original Sound Track’). For those of you who are knowledgeable about Disney songs¬†–¬†or even if you aren’t – then here are my top 10 of all time. I’ve even included the YouTube links –¬† lucky you! – so if you are uneducated about these songs, then you will no longer be. Kudos points to all the followers who learn the words. (And sing them to me, if you have the guts. Like, that’s on the list of ways to my heart, so definitely, if you want a relationship with me, sing me a Disney song. In fact, if you want to marry me, sing me a Disney song… although I doubt there’ll be many takers on that offer!)

DISCLAIMER:¬†I’d just like to take a short moment to point out that even as I typed these, there was a lot of conflict going on. Of course, at the end I will give an honorable mention to songs that ALMOST made it onto the list. But here begins the countdown…

10. Tangled РI See The Light (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yD_IEqxp-e0) 

From the moment I saw Flynn and Rapunzel on that boat surrounded by those lanterns (SPOILER aha) I was absolutely hooked. This song is beautiful, and even if you don’t like Tangled, unless you don’t have a heart, you will like it.

9. Princess and the Frog РAlmost There (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ljdAYTH5QSY)

This song is inspirational. Really, I mean, minus the opening her own restaurant thing, I am practically Tianna. (And not just because I am also a black female…) Like, I relate with every word she sings. So, ‘Look out boys, I’m coming through.’

8. Beauty and the Beast РSomething There (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwZEcdBMLLU)

Awww. This song highlights the cutesy bonding moment between Belle and Adam (or the Beast, as he was known at the time) and it makes me want to have snowball fights with a huggable beast who has anger issues. Slightly.

7. Tarzan РStrangers Like Me (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zc3MnoSS5Hw)

What this song does to me can’t even be put into words, like it is just the SWEETEST. Tarzan’s beginning of recognition of who he is and then watching him fall in love with Jane. Just UGH, beautiful.

6. Aladdin РA Whole New World (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kl4hJ4j48s)

OK, so this song was very close to be put into the top 3, but may I just say how difficult it is to maintain a duet with only one person?! (Yes, I sing duets alone, doesn’t everyone?) And I am a slight loser, but I haven’t found anyone to sing this with me who a) knows the words, b) likes this movie almost as much as I do and c) can actually sing.

5. Hercules РZero to Hero (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pa0lMzaljTk)

YAAAAS! Get some of that soul in there girls! The Muses are gorgeous GOSH, Hercules is BAE, Pegasus is cute, even Phil is slightly… sweet in his own goat-y way. But this song got me feeling some kind of way, you know?

4. Hercules – I Won’t Say I’m In Love¬†(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Tl0DMTlwLw4)

I think this is the only movie with two OSTs in my top 10… but totally deserving and worthy! This song kills me every time I listen to it, like I’m pretty sure in a manner of ways I relate with both Meghara and Hercules. Even though it is even harder than ‘A Whole New World’ to sing the parts of like… 6 women, at any rate, Megules is my fave #OTP from Disney.

AND NOW, the final countdown for the top THREE!

3. The Little Mermaid РPart Of Your World (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2BZp2dxpwF8)

The words are just. The song is just. The sentiment is just.

What’s a fire and why does it, what’s the word…

BUUUUUUUUURRRRRRRNNNNNNNNNN.

If you don’t understand this reference, I’ve kindly included the YouTube link for you. If you do, need I say much more?

2. Mulan – I’ll Make a Man Out of You¬†(https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZSS5dEeMX64)

Whew, OK Mulan, like SLAY gurl. She becomes a kick-ass, strong, powerful, independent female (albeit dressed as a male, but never mind) and basically ends up saving the entire empire of China. Nobody can tell me that this song does not kick butt. Because, honestly, Mulan is a better, cooler man than all of them, and that says quite a lot. (Also, Shang is quite hot).

1. Pocahontas РColours of the Wind (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f4vkq2ztxSw)

I cry, I die.

This song covers every possible theme, like I’m so proud of her for not taking John Smith’s crap, about him calling her a ‘savage’ and ‘uncivilized’. Like, NO honey, that’s not how you win her over, you don’t insult her entire tribe. But this song, she’s just basically cussing out John and all the English people and I love how she’s so proud of her background and heritage, like yes Poca, you stay strong for the Powhatan tribe.

Although John’s change of heart did slightly win me over. I can’t lie, he is slightly cute, but I’m still not impressed with his narrow-mindedness. Although, I do ship them together. (Warning: If you love John and Poca, please DON’T WATCH THE SECOND MOVIE!)

Other notable mentions:

Bet On It, High School Musical 2 | Start of Something New, High School Musical | Strut, Cheetah Girls 2 | Son of Man, Tarzan | Circle of Life, The Lion King | So This is Love, Cinderella | Work This Out, High School Musical 2 | Cinderella, Cheetah Girls


Congratulations to all the songs that made it up there, and totally keep it up guys, stay strong all those who were so close.

But that’s all from me today guys. Hopefully tomorrow I will have some words of wisdom of some sort for you all, and perhaps some actual helpful ramblings. Get a bit more personal or something.

Thanks for reading, I’m sorry I’ve been so rubbish recently,

Queen Rianna

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I Want To be Like Other Girls…

Uhm, so I’m a total Disney geek. (The title is the name of a really cool song from Mulan 2, sung by the Princesses…) I mean, I DON’T want to be like other girls, because other girls aren’t the Queen. Or as generally awesome and unique as I am… Okay, they’re unique, but they’re just not ME.

It’s crazy how much work teachers think you can realistically achieve during the weekend. Because yes, it’s not like I have enough work to do during my actual school week, and of course, I can’t escape school so let me just have some more work. It’s not like I have a life either. (I don’t, but nobody needs to know that!) Like, geez! I’m not Superwoman and I’m CERTAINLY not Iron Man.

I wish I was though because he’s really cool.

Anyway, like you’ve probably guessed, I have too much work to do, so my post today won’t be super long, but just to let everyone know that I’m not dead! (Maybe we should riot and go on strike at schools! Maybe we could all join our forces together – since they think that we’re superheroes – and become some sort of Super Squad fighting the evil of homework… and my brain is running away, I’m SO sorry ladies and gentlemen…)

Take care everyone and have a fabulous day at school/college/wherever you are tomorrow… that was sarcastic, of course it can’t be fabulous, it’s WORKING… Nobody likes working. I’m pretty sure that even the Queen of England hates her job.

Well, it’s a good thing that I’m not the Queen of England then isn’t it?

Actually, no¬†it’s not; I’d really like to be the Queen of England. It seems like quite a fun job. Running an ACTUAL country, since David Cameron and Nick Clegg don’t seem to be doing it very well at the moment. Although I’m not sure if England would accept me. I mean, I am a bit of a loser.

I need to do my work now –¬†gosh, this blog¬†is so distracting!

Laters my loyal subjects,

Her Royal Highness, Queen Rianna of the Astellian Isles (that sounds very official!)

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