Nostalgia Only Makes Me Old

The title of this blog post is from a fantastic poem that we studied in English Literature. I don’t even remember what the poem was called but all I remember was that it was about handkerchiefs or something? Oh well. Never mind.

So, I suppose it makes sense for me to write some soppy post about how AMAZING 2015 has been for me, and all the lessons I’ve learnt, and all the wonderful people I appreciate. And of course, let’s not forget all my 2016 resolutions, all the plans I have for next year and the goals I hope to achieve.

But that would be FAR too cliche. And how can I expect to liberate mankind when I just blindly follow the masses? (Plus, I’m pretty blind already; I wear glasses). And I really dislike this ‘New year, new me’ thing, because I’m really the exact same person. The earth completing a single lap around the entire sun does not suddenly transform me into a glittering goddess. I’m literally the same person.

So. Let’s be different. I’m not going to write about things I’m going to leave behind in 2015, or new things I intend to do in 2016.

No. This is:

‘The Unchanging, Perpetual Existence of the neither New nor Improved Rianna’ (All Rights Reserved)*

First of all, I’m not changing how I look. I’m not gonna ‘update my style’ or whatever; plus nobody has enough money for that. (I fully intend, however, to buy those beautiful T-bar ankle strap heels from Clarks). I mean, for me, it just doesn’t make sense to suddenly be like, “You know what. Scrap my wardrobe. Scrap all the looks I so amazingly worked together last year. It’s time for a change.” NOOOO. It’s not. It’s time to keep working with my reliable angles and that warm lighting. It’s time to keep rocking that lazy look, every. Single. Day. (Seriously, trackies and hoodies are amazing. They’ve saved my life. Perhaps not my dignity though, but who cares?) I would love to say I am going to lose weight (and I will try my best for my Summer holiday, #deadlines) but it won’t be my priority.

Secondly, I have absolutely NO intention to make a New Year’s resolution. They don’t even make sense. Why would you make something that you full and well know you aren’t going to stick to? (There are very few people that actually stick to them, and those people are either a gift to society or a pain in it’s butt). It’s such a hard knock to your self-confidence, when you don’t achieve something that you knew you weren’t going to in the first place but tried to convince yourself it was a worthwhile commitment. New Year’s Resolutions are like cheese, jam and tuna sandwiches; it seems like a great idea to make one, but when it’s been made, it suddenly looks like a lot to digest and terribly overwhelming. (True story).

Next, I refuse to clear stuff out. It’s not time for a Spring Clean. It’s a new year, not time to throw everything that held sentimental value in the past year away. Learn the difference people. I’m not doing it. I’ll keep whatever I want to keep, and throw away things when I feel it’s time, not just because the earth’s rotational orbit has put pressure on me to do so.

I don’t want to ‘become a better me’. I like me just the way I am for now, to be honest. Becoming a ‘better me’ does not take place overnight. I cannot just emerge from the ‘New Year’s Eve’ cocoon into a new year like a beautifully transformed butterfly. I shall remain a caterpillar until it’s my time to #GloUp.

I’m not becoming a vegan just because everyone else has decided that veganism is the ‘in thing’ this year. (Or next year. Ah, it’s so confusing). I would like to be a vegan, but it’s going to take me a while to do so. Also, changing your food habits is a psychological thing. It was easy for me to become a vegetarian (the decision which I made in Jamaica of the summer 2013) because I had determined that I was going to make an effort. Let me tell you, if you can resist every form of chicken ever (I kid you not) in a Jamaican resort, then you can come home to England and be a vegetarian. It was a breeze once I got home. ANYWAY. Sorry, not relevant. FOCUS. I don’t have the right mindset to become a vegan just yet. Ergo, it’s not happening just yet.

As I have said before, the completion of our planet’s orbital circuit will not suddenly make me more organised. The amount of lists I’ve seen people start to draw up, like planning out every single little detail of their days. And why has everyone suddenly become obsessed with diaries? Truth be told, I never use diaries. I write in them, but then I never look in them, which isn’t very useful – and sort of just defeats the whole point of them altogether. So no. No diaries. And no pretending I am magically more organised than now… or before. (Which one is it now?)

“2016 is going to be my year.” Said me, never. 2016 is just another year. Yes, I’m entirely grateful I’ve made it through 16 years with my life fully intact, but I have no idea what the next year has in store for me. I don’t know if I’ll even make it through the year. Nobody knows. I refuse to call 2016 ‘My year’ because anything could happen. Calling it ‘my year’ makes me feel very vulnerable, simply because I have a false sense of confidence in something which is entirely unpromised to me. Tomorrow isn’t even promised to me; who’s to say I’ll make it through another 364 tomorrows?

Also, romance. Why is a year not (socially) complete without romance? Why do I have to kiss some stinky boy in order for the year to be complete? That’s nonsense to be honest. (Also, I only talk to about 4 boys). The only romance you will be seeing in my life is the romance between myself and my education. Now that’s some steamy stuff right there. And honestly, it sucks being such an unrealistic romanticist, because I base my notions of romance on novels and movies, and if my life was either, he’d stand in the back garden under my window, blasting Disney tunes from his iPod, with a really dweeby hat that had mistletoe on it, and then propose to me. But that would all end up quite disastrously. *clears throat* Let’s get back on track shall we?

I’m not going to ‘be happier’. I mean, yes I would love to be happy, but happiness is arbitrary. It’s not a permanent state of being. Life is a mixture of happiness and sadness, and that’s what makes it life. Otherwise you might as well just be in a movie, that’s as real as your life would be. Once again, the change in position of the big round Terra ball that humans reside on cannot instill perpetual happiness within me.

So there it is. My (potentially) bitter but realistic post about the future, but hey ho. Anyways, I think that’s all from me, so I’m out, goodnight and I hope that you all have a wonderful

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

The Faerie Squad Mother x

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*I only wrote this because it looked very official and that made me feel quite important LOL. My apologies. I really hope it’s not illegal to do this. It’s not, is it?

Don’t You Forget About Me

Hi everybody. This is it. My new blog look.

Don’t get too scared. It’s still me. Just newer. And fresher. And more exciting – OOH this is so exciting. I feel like I’m cutting a metaphorical ribbon. (The ribbon is pink, by the way. And satin.)

It took myself and my sister all evening to come up with this. I hope you’re happy, because I certainly am. I feel that this change was necessary and embraces everything about me. The new title, ‘Oops! I Forgot To Think’ is literally me, ALL the time. Sadly. And my tagline, ‘Liberating Mankind from the Comfort of my Bedroom’ will one day be written on the t-shirts of my fans. I quite like it. I feel both parts effectively encapsulate every aspect of ‘Rianna’.

So, since I’m starting again, perhaps an introduction would be in order. Let’s draw a line under this all.


Hi. My name is Rianna. I’m 16 years old.

I’m a blogger, a History enthusiast and a writer. I’m currently writing about 4 books/short-stories (one of which is co-authored) and I fully intend to be published by the time I am 20.

I have the mental age of a 10 year-old, the emotional capability of an over-dramatic 5 year-old, and the maturity of a 3 year-old. I’m not particularly proud to admit those things, but they must be said.

I am happily married (20 years and counting!) with too many children to count. I would also very much like to get married, have a few children and become a housewife. I would also like to be a teacher, of History or English, and not only inspire children (or teens… I’m still not decided on who I want to teach) to follow their dreams, but also help them to become more socially aware. #GetWoke

I am quite dramatic. I love acting and have been in several plays. Drama is one of my A-Level subjects. Because I have very little respect for my life, I chose 4 essay-based subjects.

I’m very good at winged eyeliner. It’s one of my few skills, but one I am very proud of. My wings are always sharp and even; something which seems trivial but gives me great joy.

I wear glasses. I like to read a lot. The latter of which, taking place in dim lighting, caused the former to occur. I mostly read Historical Fiction, my favourite authors being Philippa Gregory and Conn Iggulden. I try and steer clear of cheesy and predictable Romances and Psychological Thrillers. I really can’t stand Psychological Thrillers. Or Crime Thrillers. Or just Thrillers in general.

I would like to study History at University. Studying English at A-Level has made me realise that I DON’T want to study it at Uni.

I’m not very organised. (As the order, or lack thereof, of these points about myself has probably demonstrated to you). I have quite a creative mind, though, I love my Sharpies (WHSmiths Back2School Sale 2k15), and I occasionally draw. I like to draw fancy lettering and calligraphy. I’m quite good at that too.

I’m good at baking cheesecakes. They’re literally the only things I can bake. I make a mean White Chocolate Cheesecake. I can make Lemon and Lime ones too. I’m working on other combinations.

I recently discovered that I like 80s and 90s chick flicks. (Also, please note the reference to ‘The Breakfast Club’ which I – artfully, if I may say so myself – slipped into my title).

I have an issue when people use the wrong ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. It really stresses me out. It causes me a lot of issues.

I have recently self-elected myself the Faerie Squad Mother. That is the symbolism of the image. The glasses are the exact frame I wear, and I just added some wings to connote ‘Faerie’. (Yes, I intended to spell it the ‘old’ way. ‘Fairy’ is just boring, to be entirely honest).

This post is now finished. I should probably go to sleep.

So goodnight, my lovely readers. I hope my new look doesn’t put you off. Have a wonderful day and good morning.

The Faerie Squad Mother x

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Heralding the Empress

Greetings, readers.

I’m not sure how to put this in a subtle way, but uhm… I’m 16 today. So I suppose a speech is in order. Perhaps a quick summary of my life would suffice? Hmm… or maybe a Grammy/Oscar style acceptance speech. Here we go. (This is all impromptu, so let’s not hate, okay? And I’m not even at home right now, I’m away at a hotel where my family is the ethnic minority LOL):

“Ah. Well, what can I say? 16 years ago, a star was born.

I can remember back, way, WAY back when I wasn’t even born. When I was just a little specialised cell, swimming in the recesses of, what would later become, my birthing place. I don’t really remember what happened, because everything was so dark. And then next thing I know, I’m encased in some gloopy cell thing, and all I am thinking is, ‘I’m drowning, I’m drowning!’ but then I remember that I’m not drowning, because I CAN’T drown; because I have been designed SPECIFICALLY to swim.

I also remember this overwhelming feeling of pride knowing that I had been the one to get there first, before any of the others. And that made me feel so great. Or at least, it would have if I had had feelings.

Growing was the easy part. I sorta just relaxed and let everything happen naturally. Imagine a 9-month (or 8-month in my case) holiday where all you do is lounge about on a floating hammock, and your food and water is brought to you. You don’t have to get up to do anything, because all your entertainment is brought TO you. I got read to, I got played music, I got rubbed about. I’m not exactly sure what I ate, because I didn’t taste any of it. But it didn’t matter, because it was just a holiday. You know, in preparation for the big world and that.

Ah, those were the good days.

But then there was the escape. After a while of sitting there one day, a bit bored, I just thought, ‘You know what. This has been a great experience and everything, but, I’m a bit cramped now. And there must be a better place for me outside of this womb.’ So I just left. (I was later told that I left too early, but I was just glad to be out of there to be honest. And so much more space!)

For the first several years of my life, it was difficult. Being unable to read, walk or talk was actually very distressing and, I have to say, although I learned quickly, it wasn’t quick enough. I couldn’t communicate effectively using words, and for all those who know me now know that I have to speak all the time.

Those were dark times for me. Dark times.

But anyway, that was a minor obstacle which I, with the help of my mother, quickly overcame. I learnt how to talk (the next part was for me to learn how to be quiet… a concept which I have still not yet mastered) and how to read. And from there, the world was my oyster.

But people still seemed to want to put my light out. (Not literally, that came out a lot more ominous than I intended it to be…) After a stint of bullying in Infant and Primary School, I think the moment came where, thanks to several fantastic teachers and amazing family members, I realised that I was so much better than that all. I didn’t think that I should be defined by other people’s perceptions and standards of me, and I decided that it was my time to shine. That I was a star. No, more than a star.

A Queen.

It took years for me to fully come to terms and embrace my title, because I didn’t realise the extent of power which I held in my hands. But after careful training, and hands-on working, I learnt how to use my powers for good, and to be the best Queen possible. (Though, perhaps a tad corrupt…)

After I got my island, Astellia, the rest was history. I held absolute authority in my hands, and I ruled righteously and fairly.

It wasn’t easy though. Along the way, I got waylaid by some kinda rubbish friends, people who weren’t very supportive of my aspirations or dreams. I made some bad choices and made some mistakes I shouldn’t have needed to. I messed up a lot. But God was always there to help me up. He gave me better friends, ones who are like my brothers and sisters. He helped me move past my choices and mistakes to make better ones.

And I cannot thank Him enough for the many chances He has continually given me at life.

Yes, I’m a bit crazy. Yes, I’m not perfect. But I have family who loves me, and a wonderful husband (and 6 kids and 1 grandchild and 1 great-grandchild) and a fantastic mistress and bae. Maybe I’m not where I want to be, but I’m where God wants me to be, I think, right now, and I’m okay with that.

I have dreams, I have aspirations. I am gonna be a writer, make no mistake about it. I will be published before I get off to Uni, and I am going to keep at this blog (hopefully) for a long time. And I will, because I’ve put my faith in God and I know He will help me to do whatever it is I need to. He’s led me through almost 16 years (I’m not technically 16 until 5:30pm this evening, but AH WELL!) and, let me tell you, that is NO small feat.

Not with me.

So, I am so grateful to Him for that. I am grateful to my family for putting up with me for so long. I couldn’t have survived without you. LITERALLY. I literally couldn’t have survived without them taking care of me, because then I would have died.

But I’m not dead, so that’s always great.

Anyways, I just want to make it known that an Empress has been crowned (Empressed? Coronated?) and is now ready to rule her Empire. Because I’m going to have to make an Empire now, seeing as I am an Empress. I promise to be the best possible Empress that the world has ever seen.

And I am 16 now. I’m so old, I’m practically an OAP. Getting wrinkles and stretch-marks come next.

But I won’t think about that. I’ll think about the good times, and the exciting times, and all the fun times ahead (and behind of) me.”

So there it is. My birthday speech. I love you all and hope you all have an immensely fantastic day,

(You may want to note this date down in your diary as the day Empress Rianna was crowned – 25th August 2015)

Love from your forever Queen, but now,

Empress Rianna

Crown

p.s. So of course you’re going to want to know what I got for my birthday. So I will say this: I. Am. Ballin’.

(I joke, I’m really not, I got some money, some GORGEOUS shoes and some gift vouchers… and there are more on the way! 🙂 )

So This Is Goodbye (For Now)

So. I have come to the end (technically) of a fantastic, 3-week summer program with NCS with The Challenge and – obviously – I needed to blog about it. I mean, what else would I do?

First of all though, shout out to Dezza (who will read this when she gets back from HER first week of NCS) who is somehow managing to survive… wherever she is. Stay strong Dezza and always remember that #TheLads love you.

Back on track now.

So, it has been an absolutely amazing experience; to all those who are fortunate (or unfortunate, depending on how you look at it) enough to be living in England, I would definitely advise that you apply for this either now, or when you reach the summer of Year 11. I am telling you, despite the drama, the hardship, the sore butts, the aching legs and the late nights… it is completely worth it. In retrospect, it’s easy to say that actually; I had about 5 breakdowns (that was everyday during the first week, and maybe twice a week during the second… then three times a DAY during this week), I cried, I laughed (a lot), I raved (#GetRekt – also, last weekend, I had TERRIBLE rave feet; more on this in a moment), I screamed, I shouted.

But I will never forget any of these memories or the people I met. (Literally gonna see you all again in September, but still… Trying to be emotional and hard-hitting here…) After all, as a wise character once said:

Once you do something, you never forget. Even if you can’t remember.

So, there’s the emotional tirade. Obviously, I have to update you on what I’ve done this week and in the past week as well. Here is last week’s report:

So. There we were. A bunch of inexperienced teenagers faced with a near-impossible challenge; survive without your parents.

Whoa.

(By the way, this is sarcasm. I can survive perfectly well without my parents, but you’d be surprised how many people couldn’t! And, God bless, some people couldn’t even make their own bed 🙂 )

But anyway. So, we got to experience University life for a week; living in our own flats and having our own dorm rooms, cooking dinner each evening, making breakfast and lunch in the mornings and – most importantly of all – TIME MANAGEMENT! (Which is a LOT more difficult than it sounds, especially when you need to be out of your flat by 9:00 every morning and you wake up at 7:00 but you’ve only had about 4 hours of sleep because you’ve been organising your life and doing your hair the night before… sounds crazy but seriously, you’d be amazed how long it takes to do hair when you’re really tired and there’s just SO MUCH of it)

The mealtimes were hilarious. We made a schedule when we got there about who was going to cook and we did it in two pairs and one group of three. All the girls in our flat (7 plus our Senior Mentor) were from our Team Reiss anyway, so we all knew each other, which was good. Basically, one evening (here comes the rave bit now) one of the pairs was cooking dinner, and myself and Jess decided that we should put on a bit of music to make us all feel a bit motivated.

What was supposed to be an stimulating session of music turned into a dance party. We danced to everything, especially Beyonce (Single Ladies, Love on Top, Crazy in Love). We actually danced so hard that by the end of it, our feet were hurting and we were sweating. We also recorded ourselves doing the Single Ladies dance (so terrible it was hardly recognisable), but the next morning we woke up, our feet were LITERALLY throbbing.

We also went to a public speaking workshop, where we had to talk about something which we felt strongly about. I wrote my speech down, so HERE IT IS for all those who want to read/hear it (I promise that it sounds better when it’s read! A tad controversial perhaps, but YA KNOW me… 🙂 ) :

You’re walking down the street and notice a Muslim woman in a hijab with her partner. “Oh look,” you think to yourself, “a Jihadi bride and her terrorist husband.” There’s a black boy in a hoodie walking towards you, so you quickly cross the road. “Gotta be safe”, you tell yourself, “he probably has a gun.” After all, you wouldn’t want him to shoot you.

Hang on a second, you’re thinking right now. Where are you getting these images from? This is a bit drastic isn’t it? And where exactly are you going with this?

Well, I’ll tell you where this is going. I’ll tell you where I’m getting these racial stereotypes from. Because every terrorist or violent radical pictures on the news is a Muslim. Because every black boy in a hoodie you see on your TV screen is either a mugshot of a murderer or the picture of his victim from the opposing gang.

And we lap it up. Even if we don’t think about it consciously, it is in the back of our minds all the time. And whether we accept it or not, these ideals are the propaganda being drilled into our minds, fed to us by the media.

We need to cut it out.

Latino does not equal drug dealer. German does not equate to Nazi. Polish and Romanian do not translate to illegal immigrants. The only way we can stop these misconceptions is by moving past them, stopping the jokes and the dirty comments, and the things which take us away from our humanity and basic empathy.

Okay, so there are radical Muslims; but there are radicals who don’t follow Islam as well. Poles and Romanians aren’t the only ones who migrate, and perhaps some Latinos are drug dealers; but being Latino or Hispanic doesn’t mean you ARE one.

The minority does not account for the majority.

So we should stop letting the small-minded views of people who don’t want to move on from the race-fuelled past dictate to us these stereotypes. Because that’s all they are.

Stereotypes.

Surprisingly, I got quite a good reception for that speech, especially considering the rather controversial opening HAHA (just to clarify, I don’t think that, it was just for emotional impact… it was a technique I learned in Creative Writing). But that was a great day we had.

Also, because our Team’s skill was Drama, we visited an elderly Centre, Age UK in the area we are based in, and had to make a piece of Verbatim Theatre based on what we saw. It was very much interesting, as I got to speak to some wonderful OAP’s (Old Age Pensioners) who told us their stories about wen they were teenagers and the sort of #antics that they got up to.

It was enlightening. Our piece was entitled ‘The Journey’ and followed the story of a young girl named Simran who moved from India as a teenager to come to England for better life prospects. Upon coming to England, and being entirely unable to speak English, she met Uri, a Russian immigrant, who also couldn’t speak a word of English. At classes, they learnt English and eventually got married and had two wonderful children, Mary (named for the woman who taught them English) and Nikolai. We chose to portray this life as many of the people at the Community Centre that we spoke to had told us about their lives on arriving to England, and how difficult it was for them. When we performed it to them, they felt that we had effectively portrayed their stories through our theatre piece, and we were very proud of ourselves.

We also got to take part in two things at the Community Centre; a Tai Chi session and a game of Bingo. The Tai Chi session was comical – I hope I don’t insult anyone who likes and/or does Tai Chi, but really, nothing the woman was saying actually made much sense to me. She was all like, “Dance with the rainbow. Feel the floor beneath your feet, be at one with the energy, dispel the energy from your body, feel the energy pulsating through your body…” (She said pulsating) And we were trying REALLY hard not to laugh. Because we REALLY wanted to. But we managed to take some tips and incorporate some Tai Chi into the end of our Drama piece – and of course, / played the instructor woman. Everyone seemed to find my portrayal quite comical. (I did NOT say pulsating, however)

We also got to play Bingo. Let me just tell you, the movies portray Bingo as some happy game that OAPs play to win some money and have a bit of fun.

That Bingo hall was so quite you could hear a pin drop. Those OAPs took their Bingo SOOOO seriously. One of the women told the number caller off for repeating the numbers because, according to her, “If people wanted to hear the numbers, they should be listening in the first place.” Uhm… honey. Some people in here have hearing problems… Do you want to maybe find a bit of chill?

Anyways. That was last week. I kind of spoke about what we were doing this week so if you want to know then read about it here (it’s more a rant than a summary, but if you kind of pick through the ranty bits then you can find out what we were actually doing). But today we presented the campaign we were working on to a team of Dragon’s (who actually gave us the full maximum amount of £50 that we asked for, which was great!) Also, on that note, if you would like to support our Campaign about Dementia Care Homes and raising awareness of them in trying to get more volunteers, then hit us up on social media:

Twitter: @WeAreTeamReiss

Instagram: @WeAreTeamReiss

MyDonate: mydonate.bt.com/fundraisers/weareteamreiss

For anyone who is interested, all the donations on our page will be going to a charity called Attend which runs several care homes, including the one we visited. Even if you don’t want to be an active part of our campaign, or are in a different country, your follows, likes, retweets etc. are supportive of our campaign and help to spread our message. (We also have a hashtag, #MissingPiece – if you want to understand this reference then head over to our Instagram page…)

*Self-promo moment over*

Also, seeing as today was the last day (and we got Pizza! 🙂 ) they did loads of awards and stuff. I got elected for the Youth Board representing my wave (Zak and I are #DreamTeam), I also got voted Most Likely to Be Prime Minister by the staff on our wave, and I also won the TRUE Award for the week. (Only TRUE NCS people will understand… haha, did you get it? TRUE Award… TRUE NCS…)

And Kimmy K bought me a bunch of chocolate. (Not the irritating one on TV, the lovely one from my wave)

Overall, it has been an absolutely brilliant experience for me and I’m sure everyone on my wave and all my new #Squad will say the same thing.

It’s getting kinda late, I started this post at 7:30ish and now it is 10:19. I am thinking I should probably finish this up now. (It didn’t take me that long to write, I just had to wash the dishes and do some ironing and feed my children and check up on my dragon and stuff…)

Love you all, and I wish you a very happy evening tonight,

Queen Rianna

cropped-yto5pzlte

How To Become A Minister Of Education

I’m not too sure how I would go about applying for this job but I think that I’d make an excellent candidate. Unfortunately, seeing as everyone’s best friend (who is oh-so-close to our hearts) Michael Gove, a most worthy candidate for such an important role, was unlucky enough to have been replaced by a seemingly-worse reincarnation, all I can really do is give you some tips based on his example of how to become a MoE and overall improve the education system in the UK.

QUEEN RIANNA’S TOP 20 TIPS ON HOW TO BE A USELESS OUTSTANDING MINISTER OF EDUCATION:

  1. Have absolutely NO insight into the life of working class children/people. I mean, to be fair, what is the point? It doesn’t make sense to actually understand the majority of children and their backgrounds when you’re making decisions which will affect them for the rest of their lives. It makes it easier to make ruthless decisions when you can’t see the faces of the suffering, and know that you’re destroying their future looking at their innocent faces.
  2. Have children who are in private education. This way, it means that when you make decisions, you are making them only for the good of your children and nobody else’s. Also, it stops people from being able to call you a bad parent; if you’re looking after you and your own then the media can’t accuse you of bad parenting.
  3. Be ruthless in choosing the curriculum. If you don’t like something, cut it out. If you like something, put it in. Don’t worry about the essentials of what needs to be taught; only worry about what you do or don’t like. That way, you are sure to always be able to smile at what you hear being taught when you walk into a sub-standard school to sit in on a lesson for the purposes of being filmed on BBC News.
  4. Have a cheesy grin. It always helps for the cameras and the people looking on at you thinking “How could this man/woman be so selfish and thoughtless?” If you smile, it’s a sure-fire way to make them suddenly think “Look at that beautiful smile; how could such a beautiful man/woman be horrible? Who couldn’t love a person who smiles like that?” The media will snap up photos and all round you will appear to be a nicer person.
  5. Have friends in high places. Make sure you have lots of friends within Parliament, in the Cabinet and MP’s who will be able to get you your job despite your lack of experience, expertise or much knowledge in general. This way, when you are unable to become Prime Minister, you can destory the country from the foundations: the children. You don’t have to be the Prime Minister to tear down this country and grind it into the dirt; though it seems that Cameron is doing a good job of that already! As the Minister of Education, you can tear down the standard and quality of education and grind children’s dreams and aspirations into the dirt; that way, when they are older, there will be less of their souls left to crush! 🙂
  6. Be absolutely sure about what direction you want your department to go in. If you want to run it into the ground (which is your job, really) make sure that everyone knows this. Making your policies clear are always a definite way to make people admire your steadfastness and decisiveness.
  7. Never stick with things that work. There are always new methods which are untested, unconventional and mostly unadvised, but hey-ho! It doesn’t matter. Try them out anyway, whilst playing with thte future of several million children. Even when there is a system in place that has been working perfectly fine and seems to be going very well, scrap it. If you don’t feel like it is new, modern or contraversial enough, get rid of it.
  8. Leave your mark. When you leave, people should be able to say,”That fantastic Minister of Education [insert name here] has absolutely destroyed/annihilated/obliterated etc. the UK education system! :)” Make sure that people are never at odds as to who you are; don’t just leave your office with a bang. Leave it in a mushroom cloud.
  9. Ensure that you are on the same page with whoever may replace you. One of the most important things about holding a post is ensuring that your potential successor has the same drive and vision that you do. After all, you wouldn’t want them to come in and correct your mistakes. Make your ideas very clear to them so that if they DO replace you, they continue to work on the sectors that you have been working away at. They have to continue the sculpture that you have begun; you must show them how to whittle away at the sculpture that is (metaphorically speaking) the education system in the UK, until there is nothing much left of it.
  10. Be widely disliked. What is popularity, eh? Why be liked and adored by people when you can just do lots of things that irritate people? After all, you wouldn’t want to ACTUALLY speak to the peasants and commoners to understand THEIR plight, when you can just refer to your fantastic and divserse experience of education at Eton, Cambridge and Oxford; where you used to be in clubs where you would beat people up and burn £50 notes in front of homeless men for the banter.
  11. Base everything on you and your personal experience. Be very selfish. Don’t worry about what others think. The only children you should be concerned about are your own children – and maybe a few nephews or nieces. Other than that, even though they are very much the minority in this situation, refer to them for advice on everything. If you want to do something but you’re not sure about the reception you might get, make sure to ask a few children who have been privately educated in middle-class areas for their entire life and have no experience of what it is like to attend a state school at which you are making the changes.
  12. If in doubt, do it anyway. Do you have an idea which you think, hey, this MIGHT work? Even if the ‘might’ is very big, do it anyway! Even if there is a huge question mark on whether it will be effective, do it anyway! Use very unorthodox methods and overall just change everything.
  13. Don’t worry about the opinions of others. When you have a few million children who are being greatly affected by the changes you are making, and their parents and carers are complaining to you, don’t worry about them! They may be the majority, but it’s not their opinions and appoval that you are in place for. You are there to make the most money possible, from salaries anywhere from £100,000 per annum and upwards. Their opinions won’t make you lose any money.
  14. Increase the gap between the rich and poor. Since this is often done in the government anyway, your job is slightly more difficult, as you have to begin the divide in the first place. Education is an essential field when it comes to raising children and teaching them about the world and how to be savvy etc. Beginning the divide from now just means that when they are older, the divide can grow even larger. This is often best achieved by making it more difficult for working class children and children from poorer backgrounds to get into top universities.
  15. Discriminate. You will never get anywhere if you don’t discriminate. Even though you are able to improve the standard of education for more than one group, that is absolutely TOO much work for you, and you are NOT being paid enough for that! Choose a group which you want to further and do everything in your power to do so. Even though ethnic minority groups (Black African and Carribean, Asian, White European) are struggling within the education system and White Middle and Upper Class students are clearly beneffiting the most, don’t even attempt to help those who are at a disadvantage in the system! Just focus on the people who benefit you the most, i.e. the Eton and Oxbridge boys who will one day grow up to be just like you.
  16. Make decisions on a whim. You have to make a speech? Wing it. You have to change the grading system? Do it. Don’t think about logic, reason or sensibility; none of that matters really. Just pick and choose. You may also like to put decisions into a hat or ball machine (like the lottery) and pick out random ones when you’re REALLY struggling to choose. This way, not only does it mean that you cannot take responsibility for the decisions made (seeing as it was all just chance) but also it means that you don’t have to make any actual decisions which could really help these children out.
  17. Waste the budget. Even when you have £56.7 billion annually, don’t let any of it go to good use! Invest it in useless things (who even cares, right?) but not schools or teachers! Don’t use any of it to train teachers to do their jobs adequately. Just choose sub-standard teachers – that way you can pay them less. Also, make schools into academies and free schools; that way, they have to pay for everything themselves, and you can fund them at little as possible.
  18. Don’t listen to advice from anybody but your family. Despite the fact that there are other people in charge of the sub-departments below you, just remember that their ideas don’t matter; you are the boss. You have overall responsibility over everybody and can take charge whenever you need to. Don’t feel afraid to overule some people’s ideas just out of sparing feelings. You don’t care about feelings, remember!? Everything you do is for yourself!
  19. Pretend that nobody has any feelings. That way, when you make decisions, you’ll feel less guilty when you hear all the complaints. When you hear about young people (especially females) in ethnic minorities groups who couldn’t attend Cambridge because they didn’t pass the interview, despite their outstanding and consistent record of A stars, consecutively in GCSE’s and A Levels, don’t try to be nice or kind. Don’t even sympathise with them!
  20. Just don’t have any feelings. Feelings equals guilt for the bad decisions that you have made, and that is NOT something you want on your chest. Having no feelings means you will be able to sleep at night without imagining the hundreds of thousands of rejected University applicants, the failing students at High School, the students who are unable to get jobs because they didn’t pass GCSE English, Maths or Science, and the ones who simply can’t do much because there aren’t any opportunities for them. That way, despite the fact that knowing they are all crying themselves to sleep and some even contemplate suicide as a means of escape from the Education system, you can sleep peacefully! 🙂

So there. My 20 top tips on how to follow Michael Gove’s fantastic example and become the best possible Minister of Education. I sincerely hope that the new Minister, Nicky Morgan, reads this post, just so she has an insight on the unattainable level of perfection of which Michael Gove has set. She has a tough example to live up to. Let’s just hope she’s up to it.

And farewell Michael Gove, you will be greatly missed by the millions of children, teenagers and young adults whose lives you have touched in an unforgettable way. The irrevocable changes you have made will stay with us in our hearts – and lives – forever. We will never be able to repay you for all the things you have done for us and for that, we are truly grateful.

Spoken on behalf of every young person in the UK, we thank you immensely.

Queen Rianna

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I Did It

I landed on it.

The second after I posted my Monopoly Stats Update post… I landed on it. I was on the jail square and I got 10. This is a miracle.

Queen Rianna

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p.s. If I never post again, you know it’s because of my sister. She has probably murdered me out of jealousy.

Summer Goals 2k15

Yes, 2k15 is entirely necessary. (2015 doesn’t look as cool. And we all know how cool am.)

This feels immensely weird. Yesterday, I went out with my aunt and I felt SO guilty; for what reason, I could only assume the fact that my mind thought I was supposed to be at school. But guess what. I’m on holiday. (Semi-enthused whoop).

Now don’t me wrong; I’m very grateful for several more weeks holiday. It’s just that… I feel slightly lost. School has officially finished for me. No more KS4 (Key Stage 4). No more Maths, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Geography, PSHEE and C, BTEC Sport (haha, in your face Banksy!) or Religious Studies. In fact, no more ANYTHING; for the next three months at least. We don’t have any summer projects, we don’t have any homework but – and I know this is probably a very unpopular opinion – I really want some, because then I wouldn’t feel so useless.

So a girl had to do what a girl had to do. That’s right. You guessed it. I’m giving MYSELF a list of summer goals to achieve and projects to complete by the end of summer and the beginning of Sixth form. (September 3rd, UGH, so far away; yet so close!)

And here it is. I’d like to say though, they aren’t particularly taxing tasks, and I need to get my list to 50 things.

Summer Goals 2k15 (NOT 2015)

  1. Never wake up before 7 (unless necessary, i.e. have to meet up with people early)
  2. Have a Disney Dance Party at least one a week.
  3. Get another crown/tiara
  4. Do lots of creative writing
  5. Post something at least once a day
  6. Try Sushi
  7. Get lots of candid photos
  8. Go to Kew Gardens (hopefully for my birthday 🙂 )
  9. Get some summery make-up (lots of glitter etc.)
  10. Have a picnic in the park
  11. Re-watch favourite Disney Classics
  12. See the Shoe Exhibition at the V&A
  13. Try to go visiting on Sabbaths at least once a month (with Squad)
  14. Find and collect more comfy t-shirts
  15. Try and embody a Disney Princess (i.e. acting)
  16. Read at least 2 books a week
  17. Do nails with a new colour regularly
  18. Follow a make-up tutorial (when I’m feeling REALLY bored)
  19. Re-watch all 7 Seasons of Barbie: Life in the Dreamhouse
  20. Send lots of letters to people
  21. Mindmap everything (also, collage!)
  22. Get hold of a camera – document everything!
  23. Dress up (find dress up stuff)
  24. Go to Charity shops
  25. Facepaint my face
  26. Spend an afternoon in the garden
  27. Play Sims 3 (!so excited for this, haven’t got to take care of my family for about half a year!)
  28. Learn a new accent (I want to try Irish or Welsh, and something else difficult as well)
  29. Perfect my current accents
  30. Get a toy baby to take care of (I have one, I’ll just have to find her)
  31. Learn new countries of the world
  32. Enter writing competitions
  33. Do lots of art (not that I CAN art, LOL, but do it anyway)
  34. Instagram everything
  35. Go to Sports Day with Dezza (as an Elm)
  36. Lose a bit more weight
  37. Draw up family trees for my favourite Plantagenet and Tudor England people
  38. Go on a date with my besties
  39. Find a (legal) way to make money (LOL)
  40. Find another insulting phrase to use, other than ‘moist’, ‘poop’ or any other variation of those
  41. Learn another language
  42. Learn how to play that guitar that has been sitting in my room since last summer 🙂
  43. Make at least one new friend who DOESN’T live at the other end of the world
  44. Don’t have too many emotional breakdowns
  45. Finish at least one creative writing story (and of course, write a few short ones…)
  46. Work on my wedding scrapbook
  47. ???
  48. ???
  49. ???
  50. ???

So. That is my list. As you can see, there are a few gaps, so if you have any (realistic) suggestions then leave them in the comments. Because that’d be great to be honest, seeing as it looks like I’m running out of ideas. At any rate, I’m trying to keep myself super busy and hopefully, that will work.

And (I’m sorry Banksy) but it’s clear that BTEC Sport has taught me very little, because most of my goals aren’t SMART. (Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic and Timely). LOL.

Some of them are continual projects (Numbers 1, 2, 5, 13, 16, 17, 21, 30) so I won’t know if I have achieved them until the end of the Summer. However, the rest are mostly not, so I will (hopefully) be able to update you on when I have completed them or how close I am coming to completing them. 🙂

So hang tight. This should be fun to see what I can get up to.

That’s it from me for now,

Queen Rianna

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